She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Randomize
