It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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