My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
