He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
