So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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