Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
