I didn't shave. On purpose
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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