girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
