i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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