i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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