i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
