K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
