I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
