We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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