woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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