She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
