dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
