I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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