There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
