Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
