I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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