ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
