I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
