My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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