I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
