Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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