listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
