i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
