THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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