dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
