Where did you get a picture of my penis
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
