Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
