There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
His nipple licking is glorious
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