I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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