Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
