I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
