Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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