I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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