they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
