your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
