the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
