so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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