Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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