Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
This girl is more easily done than said...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The Olympian is in my bed
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