i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
the day after is always just damage control
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
