Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
