I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
