Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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