i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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