Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Everclear isn't food dammit
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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