i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
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