HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you made out with another girl for some wings
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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