i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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