Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
