his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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