we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
