you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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