Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
there is glitter all over my balls
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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