Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
