He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize