I bet he comes in French.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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